Rebuking

In continuing to mull over what Proverbs has to say about speech, another usage of our words needs to be considered (for the "first" usage, see the previous post).

"Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor

    than he who flatters with his tongue."

-Proverbs 28:23

That first line could also be interpreted as "the one who reprimands a mortal about his conduct" (Waltke, 425). In classic Proverbs style, this verb contains an antithetical parallelism extolling the need for rebuke while warning against empty flattery. It is better by far to confront someone about their conduct than it is to just smooth the whole thing over with baseless words.

Proper rebuke seems to be another aspect missing from our conversations and relationships. It's easy to scoff ("Speak to someone or about something in a scornfully derisive or mocking way") at perceived problems. It's easy to yell at someone for doing something wrong. It's easy to become the scoffer that Proverbs warns us about (1:22), but hard to rebuke someone with tangible results.

One part is approach:

"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,

    but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

-Proverbs 12:18

Words spoken rashly or in anger will only bring stab wounds, not understanding nor favor. Likewise,

"A soft answer turns away wrath,

    but a harsh word stirs up anger."

-Proverbs 15:1

I'm starting to see a pattern here. Wise, gentle words bring healing, but rash and harsh words only bring anger and pain. It seems to me, that if a rebuke is to be effective, it needs to be done calmly and with some forethought in order to choose the best words for the situation. The recipient of the rebuke may still not like it, but at least they need to listen to what you're saying, instead of just reacting to your own anger.

Which brings us to the next part of why rebukes may be ineffective:

"Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse,

    and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury.

Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;

    reprove a wise man, and he will love you.

Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser;

    teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning."

-Proverbs 9:7-9

Sometimes the situation is out of your hands. Hopefully if you need to correct someone, they will be wise enough to accept your heartfelt reprimand. Hopefully they will have the disposition to grown wiser and increase in learning. But that won't always be the case. Sometimes, people just don't want to accept instruction. Sometimes they would just rather plow ahead on the course they're on.

To continue the thought from the previous post, how can we better be intentional with what we say? Nobody is perfect, so everybody will need to be rebuked or corrected at one time or another. But do we actually do it? I know I would usually just prefer to avoid a confrontation, but this isn't always the best route. Sometimes people need to be corrected, and the best coarse of action is to deliver a proper rebuke, instead of just glossing over the incident, either through not saying anything and hoping the whole thing will blow over or trying to smooth things out with flattery.

It's not easy to deliver a rebuke. The few times I've done so weren't especially pleasant. Sometimes, though, a well-placed reprimand is necessary to bring a brother or sister back on to the straight and narrow, which is far better in the end than avoiding the situation.

Uplifting Words

Last Sunday, my pastor spoke on the power of words and how they can be used to lift others up.

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."
-Ephesians 4:29

This got me thinking, as all good sermons do, how well do I use my words? How often do I "give grace" to someone with what I say? How often do I tear someone down, or say things I shouldn't? In my evaluation of myself, I fell squarely in the "not bad, but not good either" category. I found that I rarely have any real intention in what I say, particularly in the area of encouragement. There are a few cases where I make sure I give compliments, but those are somewhat isolated.

What about my friends? My roommates? My church family?

The purpose of this post isn't to share my own soul-searching, but to ask the question: how often are you intentional in what you say? I know I'm not, and I think my relationships have suffered for it. Or at least not been as full as they could have been. I may not think of myself as a drag to be around, as many of you may also think about yourselves, but just think - how much more life could we bring to the people around us if we were intentional in being uplifting with our words?

With this in mind, the following Proverb really jumped out at me:

"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down,
    but a good word makes him glad."
-Proverbs 12:25

I know I have anxiety weighing me down, and so does everyone else. Wouldn't it be great to have some of that lifted? To not be weighed down so much?

Yeah, that would be great.

Do it for someone else.

We can't make others build us up with their words, but we can be intentional about what we say. We can choose to use our words to lift another up, and make them glad.

Gaining Riches

My mom is pretty awesome. But as we know from Kung Fu Panda, being awesome doesn't bring in a lot of money.

So we didn't have a lot of money growing up, but we made due. One day my mom told me (I was probably asking about money or something) that even though money was tight, she found that when she tithed faithfully, she had an easier time paying all the bills. When she didn't tithe, suddenly the money seemed that much tighter, even if there was theoretically more of it.

Without even realizing it, she was living out Proverbs 11:24:

"One gives freely, yet grows all the richer;
    another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want."

Well, mostly. We didn't become rich or anything, but all of needs were provided. When my mom gave, she found she had the money she needed, but when she withheld what she should have given, she suffered want.

This isn't a magic formula, promising that if you throw your money about you're going to become rich. We know this because verses 25-26 elaborate on this proverb.

"Whoever brings blessing will be enriched,
    and one who waters will himself be watered.
The people curse him who holds back grain,
    but a blessing is on the head of him who sells it."

Waltke points out that not any "big spender" will suffice. "Gives freely" parallels with "what he should give" and "brings blessing." The proverb is talking about giving money to the needy, not just making big purchases. Quite paradoxically, when one provides for others who need it, they find themselves enriched. On the other hand, those who do not give what should be given to help others bring cursing on themselves as well as want.

Let's be clear, though, this is not a wealth and prosperity gospel I'm preaching here. Giving money to that televangelist will not go to "the needy." That guy probably has a gold-plated toilet.

DO give to your local church. DO help the needy. You may not become rich, but you will be doing a great work for God. You might even find yourself like my mom, being able to pay the bills on time.



Sources Consulted

Picture of Kung Fu Panda from the movie Kung Fu Panda. Go watch it. Seriously, it's fantastic.

Waltke, Bruce K. Chapters 1-14. Grand Rapids, Mich [u.a.: Eedrmans Publ., 2005.

Picture of the golden toilet found at http://bengaltigerc1.wordpress.com/tag/toilet/

Rod of Discipline

I did not get in trouble very often as a child. I have siblings about 6-8 years older than myself, and they got themselves into plenty of trouble. I learned a lot about what not to do from them. I was told to go to my room a few times, and I even remember being spanked once. Funny thing is, though, I don't remember why I was spanked. All I remember is my dad being angry over something and I was terrified and just wanted to hide. I don't think that was a very effective lesson if I didn't learn anything.

It seems like there's been a back-and-forth for years, especially in the Christian community. Psychologists say it's best not to spank your children, but Proverbs 13:24 says, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." Or, in the more popular adage, "spare the rod, spoil the child."

There are a few reasons why psychologists recommend sparing the rod. Primarily, though, it boils down to violence begets violence. It shows children that might is right and the bigger and stronger can push the smaller and weaker around. Typically, children who are spanked act out more as they grow up ("externalizing behaviors," as in physical aggression or verbal abuse).

Usually, though, most of these negative side effects come from spanking in anger. In my very scholarly Google searches, I came across a wikihow article on how spank "properly" (http://www.wikihow.com/Include-Spanking-in-Child-Discipline). I actually agree with the guidelines they set out. The point is - don't spank your children in anger! That's where physical abuse can develop, as well as these negative patterns previously discussed.

Let's look at some Proverbs on the matter.

"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."
(Prov. 13:24)
"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him."
(Prov. 22:15)
"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death." (Prov. 23:13-14)
"The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother." (Prov. 29:15)

The common theme I see through these Proverbs (aside from the whole rod part) is the purpose for the rod: discipline and correction. The end result isn't to inflict punishment for wrongdoing. Especially for young children, they don't need to be punished to "pay" for what they did - they need to be punished to correct behavior. "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child." They are going to do things wrong, but that's where discipline and teaching come in to play. It's to correct behavior and lead them on to the path they are suppose to follow.

So what does it mean to "spare the rod?" It really comes down to neglecting parenting duties. It means withholding any sort of discipline or correction, be it spanking or taking away a toy. The point of these Proverbs is not to beat the folly out of children with a switch, but to guide them in the way they should go.

Just imagine a world where children are never told that something is wrong. THAT would be sparing the rod. And nobody wants that.


Sources consulted:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/08/16/why-shouldnt-you-spank-your-kids-heres-9-reasons/
http://www.wikihow.com/Include-Spanking-in-Child-Discipline

Correlates and Consequences of Spanking and Verbal Punishment for Low-Income White, African American, and Mexican American Toddlers
Lisa J. Berlin, Patrick S. Malone, Catherine Ayoub, Jean M. Ispa, Mark A. Fine, Jeanne Brooks-Gunn, Christy Brady-Smith and Yu Bai
Child Development , Vol. 80, No. 5 (Sep. - Oct., 2009), pp. 1403-1420

Longitudinal Links Between Spanking and Children's Externalizing Behaviors in a National Sample of White, Black, Hispanic, and Asian American Families
Elizabeth T. Gershoff, Jennifer E. Lansford, Holly R. Sexton, Pamela Davis-Kean and Arnold J. Sameroff
Child Development , Vol. 83, No. 3 (MAY/JUNE 2012), pp. 838-843

Spanking and Child Development During the First 5 Years of Life
Kathryn Maguire-Jack, Andrea N. Gromoske and Lawrence M. Berger
Child Development , Vol. 83, No. 6 (NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2012), pp. 1960-1977


(For those who are wondering, ethnicity does not make a significant different in the outcome of spanking. Children across the board exhibit more externalizing behaviors.)